How to Mindfully Date
As a therapist and just a human in this world, it’s clear that giving and receiving love is at the core of mental health. It’s also clear that those are skills we have to develop and practice. So much—whether it’s our childhood history, how we are socialized within systems, or our current environment—can get in the way of the openness and vulnerability that it takes to feel connected to someone else or even ourselves. Our attachment styles are a product of what we’ve been through and have the remarkable ability to change.
Dr. Sonia Amin, PhD is offering a new therapy group to come together with 6 - 8 other individuals and process dating through 8 sessions over two months. I sat down with Dr. Amin to ask some questions and understand why this group, why right now, and who would benefit the most.
How would you describe mindfulness and what is the value of it in this current moment?
Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally, to things as they are.
Many of us have become so accustomed to being on autopilot–continuously going from task to task in our lives, living through repetitive stressful cycles and being so future-oriented that we forget the present moment.
In the present moment, mindfulness allows us to slow down, take notice of our bodies, emotions, and present experiences, and see things we have overlooked. It allows us to care for ourselves in a way that being on autopilot does not.
What were you thinking about in creating this group?
All around me, there appears to be a general consensus that dating has become so much more difficult.
Listening to stories of repetitive cycles of pain, anxiety, and difficulties in relationships, with the challenges of an ever-evolving dating world. I see so many folx struggle with experiencing secure, trusting, and safe relationships. It became apparent to me that while we often yearn for partnerships, given that desiring intimate connection is an integral part of human nature, we often do so without tending to our traumas, pain, and insecurities.
Further, we yearn for partners who are compassionate and kind to us, trust and love us, but many of us do not have a self-compassionate, loving, and kind relationship with ourselves. Thus, we engage in continuous patterns of self-neglect, lack of trust and kindness in our own relationships with ourselves. It is important that we cultivate a self-compassionate and loving relationship with ourselves, working through our own trauma and pain before seeking our partner(s) so that we can see more clearly (red flags that we might ignore or not see) and engage in secure, trusting, and loving relationships with others.
When you think about it, who is this group for? Who would benefit the most?
This group is for folx who have been struggling with dating and relationships. People who find that they are continuously in partnerships that do not feel safe, secure, trusting, loving, and supportive. Or people who struggle with insecurities, trusting their partners, and anxiety that negatively influence their romantic partnerships. This group is for folx who would like to (a) learn how to slow down, become more present-focused, and develop a better relationship with themselves and (b) work through past trauma, pain, anxieties, and insecurities in relationships so that they can experience more fulfilling romantic relationships.
As you see couples and individuals, what do you see most often that gets in the way of fulfilling romantic relationships?
Playing games—over social media or on dating apps. If right from the beginning of the dating phase, you and your partner are playing games (e.g. they turn off their location on snapchat when they are out of town and then you do the same, they don’t respond immediately to your texts, you follow the same patterns).
The way that people start a relationship often indicates what that relationship will look like. Lack of open, authentic, genuine communication. Not having worked through past relationship/sexual/emotional trauma, anxiety, pain. An unkind relationship with oneself—insecurities, constant comparisons with others, doubting one's own capabilities or qualities as a partner, self-criticism.
What advice do you have for people who are navigating dating at this point in the pandemic?
I think it is important to realize that since the pandemic made dating really difficult, people might take longer to feel comfortable with dating after the pandemic. Take note of the following (a) what are your expectations for your partner(s), (b) what are your red flags and (c) what are your green flags. Take note of how your potential date/person on an app treats you right from the beginning.
If you’re interested in joining the group, visit our groups page to learn more and sign up for a new client inquiry call.